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7/4/2005 I want a home again. I don't know if it's just me, but I feel like kind of like I lost my home when I went away to college. I lived in the dorm, that was home. I lived in my apartment, that was home. Coming back to my parents' house for vacations was "home," but not really my home anymore. School was my real home. Now I'm not in school anymore. And I had to come "home" because, well, that's just how things worked out. But it's still not my home. I don't belong here anymore. My parents have their own life here. So I got an apartment, and I hope I'll be living there soon, but it still won't be home. Because it's only temporary. I don't know how long I'll be there. My situation could change at any moment. I want a home. A home where I can settle in and make it mine without having to worry about possibly having to uproot and move because I found a new job or just can't afford it anymore. I want to be able to live somewhere and think "It's mine, I'm staying, and I can do anything I want because I'm not going anywhere." It's just too depressing to put an effort into a place knowing that you might have to move it all and start over from scratch soon. And I hate it. And lately all I can think about is my freshman year and how long ago it seems and how much I want it back. There's this picture on my cedar chest that I see every time I'm on my bed. From the end of that first year, the day after the senior pranks when there's toilet paper all over and string around all the trees. And me and Melanie and Brannon and Robin are standing in front of one of those tree swings while Rebecca takes our picture. And every time I look at it I feel like crying. Which I do quite a lot these days, maybe not for very long, but at small things. Why can't I be 18 again and start over? I could do it so much better this time, I know I could. I'm really scared. About a lot of things. One of which, that my depression is resurfacing. I feel antisocial a lot, don't want to talk to people or do anything, just stay at home and watch tv or play games or read. I feel sad almost all the time. Have no idea what I want to do. I'm about to pay rent on an apartment I haven't stayed a night in. And people have gotten mad at me because I don't want to talk or I've backed out of plans. But I can't help it. It's the way things are. No one can make me be happy or get better. And I usually end up resenting people who try. Because they don't understand. They act like it's an easy thing. A simple decision. Yeah. You know what? I don't want people to try and fix me. I just want them to understand. And be supportive. And tell me it's okay to be upset. You don't have to tell me that it's illogical or I'm going to figure it out and things will get better eventually. Or that I'm the only one who can change my situation. I know that. But it still seems a million miles away. posted 10:57 PM / post
You know i actually can relate to these feelings your having. As much as you think I cant understand I do. I wish we could go back to that first year too. I miss the way things were. I miss how close we were. I miss Brannon and Rebecca. But, we are the only ones left now. This is one of the most awkward times in our lives. Yeah, remember how we THOUGHT we already went throught that, well, we were wrong. This is a uncertain time full of searching and needing. I dont think you are slipping back into massive depression. Because I cry alot about the small stuff lately too. Its a rough adjustment our whole group is going through right now. It's ok if you need some alone time. I will try to just be silent and listen and try to understand more. If you dont want to talk or go anywhere, then I will respect that. But, when you are ready for friends and company.....I'll never be far away.
By Anonymous, at
11:05 AM
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